Well, it was a bit more like kiss diarrhoea – you know, the four kisses when they’ve never met you thing.
‘Limited edition romantic’, his profile read. Surely he was just being facetious, but I rapidly realised he wouldn’t even be able to spell that, let alone know what it meant.
He also listed ‘fine dinning’ as one of his interests and had the increasingly common affliction of lol-orhoea.
But he was fit – quite, and half Maltese- he did look it and everyone who knows me knows I love my Mediterranean men.
So he started off telling me I was ‘hermosa’. Uh, that was Spanish. Ah, but that was because he was in his mum and dad’s villa in Spain, where he was just about to cook some tapas. He was a good cook, he said (I tried again to avert my eyes from his love of ‘fine dinning’). Mm, well that was a big tick, and it seemed we shared a love of Spain and of food.
After exchanging a few messages, we agreed to meet for a drink.
He was ‘excited’ about it, he said, a reaction which rang alarm bells, which I chose to ignore of course.
To cut a long story short, we What’s Apped each other to the point of blindness and then, then came the dick video – I should’ve seen it coming – ah, he’d taken care of that too….
Well readers, it was there, so I viewed it, and frankly, it was disappointing.
And to make matters worse, he got annoyed when two days passed with no equivalent fannycam.
Back on the dating site on the Sunday after Wanking Wednesday, a, mercifully dick free, message popped up :
“Sorry, you’re not horny enough for me.”
Ha!
I messaged him back: “You know, for a tall man (he said he was 6ft 4 which probably meant about 5 ft 10), your dick’s not very big, is it?
“I mean it’s not tiny, but smaller than I imagined.”
I omitted to mention I preferred a circumcised one, I didn’t think that was fair.
I finished off: “So, you appear unable to have any kind of conversation so I’ll leave you to exercise your modest penis.”
He might not have been circumcised, but I think I’d cut his dick down to size…..
The Dating Ambassador 